


Good Praxis

by sailorpellegrino



Series: The Weekly Phoenix [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Black Hermione, Indian Harry, Texting, also ive never broken into a building so this is hella oversimplified, but not primarily a romance fic! primarily its just pals being political, getting together - neville & luna, getting together - ron & hermione, it's not entirely texting but if u don't like textfics this ain't for u, my apologies to the experts out there cringeing their way thru this, slow to update but not abandoned i swear!, the gang breaks the law and has discourse, theyre all woke as fuck jkr is shook, tw for discussions of racism and cops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 20:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailorpellegrino/pseuds/sailorpellegrino
Summary: the_terrier: luna ur name is so confusing i keep thinking it says harryhare: We are right next to each other why are You messaging methe_terrier: also mione i keep thinking ur name is potterthe_terrier: @hare @otter if u look at it fast it looks like harry potter! dont u think it looks like ur name @stagboy??panda: I SWEAR TO FUCK DO U EVEN CARE ABOUT NOT INCRIMINATING OURSELVESthe_terrier: chillax nevillepanda: i will kill uhare: He has a point, Ronaldpanda: wtfhorsegirl: haha @hare love ustagboy: Luna ur an ICON





	1. Trespassing

> the_terrier: is it ok with you guys if i bring my kid sister along?   
>  the_terrier: idk how she found out abt the plan but shes not letting me leave the house until i agree to bring her along. she has dads car keys hidden somewhere    
>  stagboy: she’s not a kid, she’s one year younger than us    
>  stagboy: and ofc ginny’s coming too   
>  the_terrier: shes in high school of course shes a kid   
>  the_terrier: wait harry did u tell her abt this   
>  panda: code names!!    
>  the_terrier: right sorry neville   
>  the_terrier: shit sorry   
>  otter: you’re useless @the_terrier   
>  the_terrier: love u 2 @otter   
>  panda: get a room @the_terrier @otter    
>  stagboy: lol!!!    
>  otter: but seriously @the_terrier she’s no younger than we were when we first got #radicalized    
>  the_terrier: u say that as if u werent the 1 who “”radicalized”” the rest of us lol   
>  otter: what’s your point? yes Ginny can come    
>  panda: she needs a code name. ideas?    
>  the_terrier: she used to be a horse girl.........   
>  stagboy: she wasn’t!! not my girlfriend!! a horse girl?????? ew    
>  the_terrier: haha yeah she was    
>  stagboy: brb going to kill myself    
>  otter: not funny!   
>  stagboy: sorry    
>  stagboy has added a new member, @horsegirl   
>  horsegirl: i’ll kill you In Real Life r*nald (guessing that’s who told harry??)    
>  panda: code. names.    
>  horsegirl: sorry nev (i assume?)   
>  the_terrier: yeah neville is panda    
>  panda: why do i even try    
>  horsegirl: anyway i have the keys where r we meeting   
>  the_terrier: undisclosed location ill drive   
>  horsegirl: like fuck u will   
>  the_terrier: why r we txting we r in the same room   
>  horsegirl: bc mum is here 2?    
>  horsegirl: dumbass    
>  the_terrier: true   
>  the_terrier: wait no    
>  panda: lol    
>  panda: @stagboy @otter i’m so glad i don’t have siblings   
>  otter: i always used to want a sister but tbh times like these? yeah   
>  stagboy: yeah it’s much better having a cousin to beat up on u    
>  stagboy: it’s great bc it’s all the fun of having a terrible sibling without all of the familial love and parental support   
>  panda: yikes   
>  the_terrier: lol @stagboy the melodrama   
>  stagboy: i’m kidding    
>  stagboy: mostly    
>  stagboy: anyway where r u guys?? i’m already here    
>  the_terrier: yeah bc u live there    
>  stagboy: fair lol   
>  panda: ill b there in 10 (had to do an errand for gran first)   
>  otter: the bus is running late, probably be there in 15   
>  horsegirl: once ron gets out of the drivers seat we will b there asap   
>  stagboy: tbh no rush, the sun has only just gone down    
>  stagboy: but also Gin just let him drive    
>  horsegirl: traitor! it’s over between us   
>  the_terrier: thank god    
>  stagboy: @the_terrier fuck off   
>  horsegirl: @the_terrier fuck off    
>  stagboy: haha nice   
>  horsegirl: love u 
> 
> \---
> 
> loony: Good evening my Friend  
>  firebreather: heya pal  
>  loony: I have acquired some Cannabis if you’d care to partake with Me?   
>  firebreather: im. LOVE. u.   
>  firebreather: tragically however i have other illegal activities planned for 2nite   
>  loony: Ooh   
>  loony: Jaywalking? Arson? Mail fraud? Forgery?   
>  firebreather: tbh not entirely sure?? lmao  
>  firebreather: u want in? smth political i think  
>  loony: Sure  
>  firebreather: wear black, we’ll pick u up in 10  
>  loony: !!   
> 
> 
> \--- 
> 
> horsegirl: bringing another person if that’s cool?   
>  panda: the more the merrier! code name?  
>  otter: are u sure they’re trustworthy? what are their politics? will they be discreet?   
>  the_terrier: chill mione  
>  panda: oh my god   
>  the_terrier: sorry  
>  horsegirl: uhhh i’ll ask what she wants  
>  horsegirl: and yeah she’s good, u know her   
> 
> 
> \---
> 
> firebreather: what code name u want   
>  loony: Wouldnt that go against the point if i just said it here? Mark Zuckerberg can see these messages I Think.  
>  firebreather: oh true   
>  firebreather: i’ll just add u to the chat once we pick u up  
>  loony: Dad says i look like an Anarchist   
>  loony: Didn’t have any black clothes of my own so i went thru Mom’s old stuff   
>  loony: Which made me sad but she would be Proud i think?   
>  firebreather: aw loons i’m sorry   
>  loony: Anyway i feel like a real Anarchist now which is an Aesthetic?  
>  firebreather: haha nice  
>  firebreather: we r outside 
> 
> \---
> 
> horsegirl has added a new member, @hare  
>  hare: What’s the Plan Friends?   
>  panda: we are figuring out details in person if that’s ok?   
>  hare: Absolutely Neville!  
>  panda: how do u know who i am  
>  hare: You just seem like a Panda?   
>  panda: also pls use code names!   
>  otter: i’m here @stagboy let me in!!   
>  stagboy: b right there!   
>  panda: google maps says im here but i don’t see the house?   
>  stagboy: oh yeah sorry it’s weird  
>  stagboy: it’s the second story but the address isn’t on the door   
>  stagboy: just wait on the landing of number 13 i’ll be right there   
>  panda: oh cool yeah i see @otter  
>  horsegirl: ok we are parking a few block away, c u soon   
>  otter: no, park close by! we are having a chill party remember? proof that we are here and didn’t leave all night  
>  horsegirl: ah shit u rite  
>  horsegirl: we r back in the car cya v v soon  
>  otter: ok!   
>    
>  the_terrier: luna ur name is so confusing i keep thinking it says harry  
>  hare: We are right next to each other why are You messaging me  
>  the_terrier: also mione i keep thinking ur name is potter  
>  the_terrier: @hare @otter if u look at it fast it looks like harry potter! dont u think it looks like ur name @stagboy??   
>  panda: I SWEAR TO FUCK DO U EVEN CARE ABOUT NOT INCRIMINATING OURSELVES   
>  the_terrier: chillax neville  
>  panda: i will kill u  
>  hare: He has a point, Ronald   
>  panda: wtf  
>  horsegirl: haha @hare love u   
>  stagboy: Luna ur an ICON  
>  panda: everyone delete this chat right now we r starting a new one and we are NOT using our real names.  
>  panda has set messages to disappear once they’ve been seen  
>  panda has deleted the group   
>    
>  panda has created a group: code names only!  
>  panda has added @hare, @stagboy, @otter, @horsegirl, @the_terrier   
>  stagboy: need me to come get u?  
>  horsegirl: nah babe i still have the key, just need to find it   
>  the_terrier: ?????!!!!!!?????!!!!!  
>  the_terrier: when why what how  
>  otter: they’re in a relationship @the_terrier why wouldn’t she have a key to the place where he lives?   
>  the_terrier: @otter ok but why i must i be confronted so violently with this fact  
> 

Ginny finally dug the key to 12 Grimmauld Place out of her bag, unlocking the door with a soft click. She dropped the key back into the mess of papers, half-used chapsticks, and chocolate wrappers filling her backpack.  
  
Sirius used to have no problem with muddy floors, but since Remus moved in, he always asked that Harry and his friends kept the place a little cleaner. Remus once joked that cleanliness was his gay agenda, and Sirius had replied under his breath, “dirty” being the only audible word. Remus must’ve heard it, though, because he barked out a laugh and licked his lips. The exchange had made Ginny look away to hide a smirk, while Harry seemed to have not heard anything.   
  
Sirius and Remus weren’t there now, though. The only thing in the entryway was a pile of Doc Martens and Blundstones. Classic.   
  
Ginny led the way to the sitting room, nodded to Neville and Hermione, and plopped herself on the couch next to Harry. Ron made a retching noise at Ginny and sat on the floor near Hermione’s overstuffed chair. Luna sat cross-legged on a footstool next to Neville, who was sitting on the other end of Harry and Ginny’s couch.   
  
“What’s the plan, then?” Neville asked, all business.   
  
“Can I ask what we’re doing first?” Ginny piped up.   
  
“I’d like to know also!” Luna added.   
  
“You couldn’t have updated them in the car?” Hermione rolled her eyes at Ron.   
  
“I just thought you’d explain better!”  
  
“I guess Harry should explain, as it’s his idea,” said Hermione.   
  
“It’s not my idea,” spluttered Harry. “I was just complaining about that neoliberal cumrag of a newspaper and all of a sudden you were talking about direct action! You tell it, you’re the brains of the operation.”  
  
Hermione sighed. “I don’t see why you’re so afraid of taking credit, but alright.” She turned to Ginny and Luna in turn. “Basically, the _Daily Prophet_ has been publishing a load of nonsense about Harry’s godfather’s partner, Remus, and how he’s not fit to be in politics and how he should ‘stick to academia.’ As if academia isn’t inherently political! As if teaching isn’t a political act to begin with! They keep talking about Sirius – that’s Harry’s godfather – about Sirius’ quote-unquote ‘criminal history,’ as if protesting imperialism is some heinous act of violence against the state. Which is utter bullshit! I mean, first of all, the United States had no right invading Panama! And also, protest is a legal way to exercise free speech! And it’s not a civilian’s fault if the cops get violent! And also, laws are colonial constructs either way! Plus, all that aside, Sirius’ actions have no bearing on Remus’ politics. It’s disgusting, state-sanctioned bullshit and quite frankly a lot of their rhetoric is homophobic. Not explicitly, sure, but it’s dogwhistling at homophobes, in my opinion, and not very subtle dogwhistling at that.” Hermione took a deep breath.   
  
“Anyway, we have reason to believe that Skeeter, that’s the editor-in-chief, is taking bribes from the governor. We just want to go in and investigate a bit for ourselves, see if we can find proof of any conflicts of interest, maybe try to find passwords to their servers and accounts, that kind of thing. It’s more of an investigation, like I said. We don’t want them figuring out they were broken into, not yet anyway.”   
  
“Oh!” Luna exclaimed. “Daddy’s always talking about that Skeeter woman! He hates her.”  
  
“Me too,” replied Harry darkly. “Why does he hate her?”  
  
“Well Daddy runs the _Quibbler_ , another newspaper, and Skeeter is always taking jabs at him for his journalistic integrity. Claims it’s not journalism if it’s biased.”  
  
Hermione pursed her lips. “I mean... it _isn’t_ journalism if it’s biased, though.”  
  
Luna frowned. “Everything’s biased, Hermione.”  
  
“Do you genuinely believe there’s no objective truth?” Hermione looked vaguely disgusted.   
  
Luna was clearly used to this argument, even if she’d never had it with Hermione. “Not really, no. But even if there is, the news can’t be objective. The ways in which things are covered will always point readers in a particular direction. Plus, what papers choose to cover is always a political choice. Fox covers different news than CNN, because they both have agendas. And even outlets that are less polarized, those are biased too. We all make choices about what to care about, and those choices have impacts. I’m surprised at you, I would’ve thought you’d know that.”  
  
Hermione took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I understand that all of the current mainstream media outlets have a bias, but I don’t think that’s inherent to journalism as a practice. I think anti-oppressive journalism should strive to be as objective as possible. That isn’t to say that it’s apolitical, I agree that apolitical news isn’t possible or desirable, but objectivity and apoliticism aren’t mutually exclusive–”  
  
“That’s where you’re wrong! Objectivity is a fundamentally–”   
  
Ron cleared his throat. “Uh, guys? Can we get on with it?”  
  
Hermione glared at him. “Some of us, Ronald, care about theory. Especially when we’re acting on it. Activism without a solid conception of theory is bad praxis, even with good intentions.”  
  
“Stop moralizing, Mione. I get all that, I just think it isn’t the time.” He gave her a significant look. “We all agree about what we’re doing, we can talk afterwards.”  
  
Hermione looked daggers at him but closed her mouth. Ginny and Harry glanced gratefully at Ron. Neville appeared to be deep in observation of his cuticles.   
  
“So, like Hermione was saying,” Harry said after an awkward silence, “we’re sneaking into the _Prophet_ and getting information. There are six of us, and it makes the most sense to get as many people inside the building as possible, but we also need lookouts. The building only has two exits, and one fire escape. We’ll have one person on each main exit, and the fire escape is visible from the back exit so that person will be in charge of keeping on eye on that as well. Though I don’t foresee cops or late-night editors entering the building through the fire escape, so it shouldn’t be a problem, knock wood.” Ginny reached over and tapped Harry’s head lightly, making him laugh.   
  
“Does anyone have a preference for lookout or finding info?” Hermione had unclenched her fists and was back in business mode.   
  
No one said anything, then Harry spoke up. “If we’re caught sneaking in, there could be real legal action. I don’t want Ginny or Luna doing that, as their parents could be contacted due to their status as minors.”  
  
Ginny scoffed. “As if I’d be dumb enough to bring along identification. Plus, we wouldn’t be tried as adults. We’re going inside. If that’s alright with you, Luna?”  
  
Luna nodded, as did Hermione. “Frankly, I think that’s smartest. Since the lookouts aren’t in pairs, it makes the most sense for two guys to be outside. Less likely to be attacked than single women, unfortunately.”  
  
“Unfortunately? What, you want guys to be unsafe outside too?” Ron was joking, but Hermione took no notice.   
  
“Obviously I meant that it’s unfortunate that women are less safe. Anyway–”  
  
“In that case, I’ll be outside!” Harry said, ever the gentleman.   
  
“Er, Harry, I don’t know that that’s smart, either.” Hermione said apologetically. “If, god forbid, the cops do show up, a white guy loitering around is going to be way safer than a person of color. I knew we’re all taking risks here but we should minimize danger wherever possible.”   
  
Harry sighed. “You don’t need to worry about me so much, Mione. I get it, and I appreciate it, but I’m an adult. I know what I’m doing.”   
  
“It’s your choice, of course.” Hermione looked nervously at Ginny for backup.  
  
“Let him do what he wants, Hermione. He knows how to stay safe,” she said.   
  
“It’s not a question of Harry’s ability to be safe,” Hermione protested. “It’s just a matter of cops. I wouldn’t put myself outside, either, and not just because I’m a woman. You know how it is...” she trailed off.   
  
Ron spoke up then. “I’ll do lookout with Harry.”  
  
Neville, however, seemed to agree with Hermione. “Not to be all white-savior-y, Harry, but it really doesn’t seem smart to put yourself in undue danger. It’s not like you’re keeping me or Ron safe by taking one of the lookout spots, you’re only making yourself less safe.”   
  
Harry considered this. “Fine, I’ll go inside. I just think as it was my idea in the first place I should be willing to–”  
  
“Oh, now it’s your idea?” Hermione’s eyes twinkled. “Plus, lookouts can’t get in legal trouble. Don’t worry, you’re still more likely to have repercussions than Ron or Neville.”   
  
“So it’s settled!” Neville said. “Ron and I take the exits. I’ll take the back one, along with the fire escape.”   
  
The next half hour was spent mapping out routes to the _Prophet_ offices, making sure the lookouts arrived first and took different paths from each other. Next would be the other four, broken into pairs. Harry and Luna would go first, then Hermione and Ginny would show up once the first two were in the building. Harry would pick the lock while Luna made sure no one was watching. All the while, Ron and Neville would be watching out and texting updates to the app Hermione had insisted they all download (“encrypted end-to-end,” she explained). If either of them went longer than three minutes without sending a message, it would be assumed they’d been intercepted. They would be then abort the whole plan, unless they were already inside and unable to leave, in which case they’d hide in the nearest restroom (“no cameras,” Hermione said, stating the obvious) and lock themselves in.   
  
Ron supplied them all with maps of the offices which he’d found online.    
  
After confirming the plan several times, Hermione was certain they were all up to speed. She instructed them all to leave their wallets at Grimmauld Place and handed out rubber gloves.   
  
“Don’t take off the gloves and leave them there, even as we’re leaving. Fingerprints can be taken from the inside of the gloves. We’ll dispose of them once we’re far away.”   
  
“How do you know all this stuff?” Ron asked, admiration in his voice.   
  
“I’ve been doing research,” she said proudly. “I’ve been reading up on stuff.”   
  
“You sure it isn’t from Law and Order?” Ron grinned.   
  
Hermione grimaced. “Fine, as much as I hate to admit it, I do really like SVU. I know it’s copaganda, blah blah blah, but it’s a guilty pleasure. Let me live.”  
  
“Benson isn’t too bad to look at, either,” Ginny added with a wink.   
  
“Total mommy,” agreed Luna.   
  
Hermione shrugged. “Barba’s more my type, to be honest.”   
  
“Ugh, hetero,” Ginny said good-naturedly. “Barba is such a straight-girl fantasy.”  
  
“The actor is literally gay!” Hermione said. This was not, technically speaking, a good defense.   
  
“Gotta admit, Gin, I prefer Barba to Benson too,” said Harry.   
  
“Traitor! But long as you prefer me most it’s okay.”   
  
“Gross,” said Harry, but he brushed her hair out of her face and planted a kiss on her cheek.   


> panda: in position, all clear   
>  the_terrier: same    
>  hare: We are about five Minutes away   
>  panda: still clear   
>  the_terrier: same    
>  hare: We’re here, @stagboy is halfway up the fire escape and I’m watching out until he gets to the top.   
>  hare: I’m up with him now    
>  panda: still good    
>  the_terrier: still good    
>  hare: Wow! He’s good at picking locks! Wasn’t expecting it to be so Fast.    
>  panda: haha yeah he’s good    
>  panda: also still clear    
>  otter: we are four minutes away, getting really nervous tbh   
>  the_terrier: i c a cop car but i think its a normal patrol. as long as ur inside and you dont turn on lights you should be good. also remember not to take off your scarves, there are cameras inside. doubt they check them unless they know theyve been broken into but better safe then sorry   
>  otter: alright we are here. can we head up or is the cop still visible?    
>  panda: i haven’t seen any cops but prob wait until @the_terrier ‘s go ahead    
>  otter: sounds good    
>  otter: the_terrier ?   
>  horsegirl: shit it’s been 6 minutes since his last message    
>  horsegirl: what do we do   
>  hare: do we leave or hide?    
>  stagboy: shit    
>  panda: still clear on my end. @stagboy @hare i think stay inside, no need to hide yet but be sure u know where the nearest restroom is   
>  stagboy: roger that    
>  the_terrier: sorry! a cop came by, thought i was waiting for a dealer or something. had 2 walk away to show I wasn’t waiting for anyone. am hiding behind some trash cans. hes still out front but the fire escape isnt visible from where he is. i think ur good and ill let u know if he moves at all   
>  otter: fantastic thanks @the_terrier   
>  the_terrier: np! sry 4 not updating sooner    
>  otter: ok we are all inside. we’ll just follow the plan now, @hare and @horsegirl will snoop about generally while @stagboy and i go straight to skeeter’s office. my flashlight is on, is it visible from outside?   
>  the_terrier: we went over this a million times already, ur flashlight is fine. u know that it is, u put that filter thing over it to dampen the light source. u tested it 100s of times. ur fine    
>  otter: there’s no reason to be rude, just wanted to check   
>  panda: sticking to the plan sounds good, everything is fine out back   
>  the_terrier: same here    
>  panda: wishing i’d brought some cigarettes, i feel antsy. need to do smth w my hands    
>  the_terrier: oh shit @panda idk u smoke! bad ass    
>  panda: lol nah just bad habit    
>  otter: sorry but the buzzing is getting distracting, please only message if u have updates.    
>    
>  panda: still good! And sorry 4 before @otter   
>  the_terrier: same and same!    
>    
>  horsegirl: haven’t found anything yet.... anyone else lucky?    
>  hare: Not Yet    
>  panda: still good! & it’s not the end of the world @horsegirl @hare    
>  the_terrier: same    
>  stagboy: y’all! @otter just hit the jackpot! skeets email password!! dumbass left it on a post it on her desk. tbh i think we have all we need 4 now. we still have an hr before dawn but im getting a weird feeling   
>  otter: it’s just paranoia    
>  hare: actually feelings are a very accurate predictor of the future    
>  otter: ...    
>  hare: or at least they can predict affective changes in the environment   
>  hare: if you’re interested in learning more about affect i can recommend a few theorists    
>  otter: no that’s alright thanks, ill stick to science that wasn’t invented by English majors    
>  the_terrier: still good   
>  hare: Suit yourself! But also affect theory has been discussed by people from all sorts of disciplines, not only Literature. Including Philosophy and Anthropology. Like I said, there’s plenty of Theory out there that I can recommend
> 
> otter: none of those disciplines are actually science-based, though   
>  horsegirl: shut up both of u   
>  horsegirl: @panda    
>  horsegirl: any updates?    
>    
>  the_terrier: fuckfuckfuck I peeked around the building and theres several cop cars and no @panda in sight    
>  the_terrier: wait no hes there    
>  the_terrier: theyr just talking to him, doesnt look like an arrest or anything   
>  otter: well i’d HOPE not, he’s literally not doing anything wrong    
>  otter: FUCK cops honestly    
>  otter: fuck what do we do tho shit   
>  hare: ACAB   
>  otter: on this we are in complete agreement @hare   
>  horsegirl: a   
>  horsegirl: c   
>  horsegirl: a   
>  stagboy: not the time   
>  horsegirl: b    
>  stagboy: but u right tho    
>  the_terrier: he looks upset    
>  the_terrier: hes waving his arms around more than usual    
>  the_terrier: how quickly can all 4 of u get down the fire escape   
>  stagboy: quickly? prob just under a minute. quietly? prob 2 and a half. it squeaks a lot   
>  the_terrier: get to the door then, but dont go until i say    
>    
>  stagboy: @the_terrier any updates? we r sitting here ready    
>  horsegirl: holy shit what was that   
>  horsegirl: who screamed    
>  otter: that sounded like @the_terrier fuck we never should’ve come here fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK   
>  stagboy: @otter ily but u need to chill    
>  panda: now     
>  panda: fast 

Neville met them as they descended the fire escape, careful to avoid making too much noise on the old rusty stairs. Once they were all down, they took off at a brisk pace (“don’t run, don’t look back, don’t run, don’t look back,” Hermione kept muttering) back towards Grimmauld Place. He filled them in on what had happened: the police stopped him to ask about a drug deal that they’d been tipped off about, but didn’t have any reason to suspect him (they told him he didn’t fit the profile) (“big racist surprise,” said Hermione) so they didn’t immediately search his phone for texts from a client.   
  
“Let me guess, they demanded to look anyway?” Hermione asked. The relief of getting away mixed with her passionate hatred of cops seemed to have calmed her nerves somewhat.   
  
“Yeah,” answered Neville. “And I knew they’d see the messages from you guys, so I panicked. I tried to convince them they needed a warrant, no idea if that’s true, but they weren’t having it. That’s when the scream happened. So they all took off running around the building.”   
  
Hermione covered her mouth to stifle a gasp. “So Ron’s still there? Being held up by a bunch of cops? We need to go back, right now.”  
  
The rest of the group collectively agreed that returning was not a great plan, so instead they continued back to Harry’s, deciding that of all of them, Ron (or maybe Harry) was best in high-pressure situations and could probably get himself out of it. That didn’t stop them all from worrying, though.   
  
After a few minutes of worried silence, Harry’s phone rang. “Hey, Mum,” Ron said from the other end of the line.   
  
“Ro–”  
  
“Yeah Mum, I know it’s late. Or early, I guess. I need you to come get me. They won’t sign off on me leaving until there’s a parent present.”  
  
“Uh–”  
  
“I don’t want to tell you, you’ll be mad. Oh fine, I’m at the police station. Yeah Mum I know. I’ll tell you everything when you get here.”  
  
“Give me the phone,” hissed Hermione. Harry passed it to her.   
  
“I’ll have your father pick you up,” she said quickly. “Your father will be so displeased when he hears. Oh, Frank, there you are. Your son is in jail.   
  
“Which son? Oh I don’t even know, I just got this call and I’m so tired and angry I didn’t even hear his name.   
  
“Which son is this?” Hermione asked. Harry looked at her in confusion, then understood as soon as Ron answered.   
  
“I should’ve known! And there’s no need to be insolent, young man, no need to give me your full name and birth date. As if I have more than one son named Robert. As if I don’t know when my very own son kicked and screamed his way into this world. You’ll grow up to be just like your uncle if you don’t stop this behaviour. You’ll send me to an early grave, you absolute–”   
  
Hermione broke off as a new voice came through the line. She answered a few questions about “Robert,” confirmed that he was her “son,” and then hung up angrily.   
  
“They’re letting him go! Just like that! They don’t even need to meet me!”  
  
“Isn’t that... a good thing?” Ginny asked. “They would’ve realized that a 20 year old couldn’t really be the mother of a 19 year old.”  
  
“That’s why I said his father would pick him up,” explained Hermione. “I figured we’d need to get one of your older brothers involved. Bill could pass as a very young dad, if he had to.”   
  
“He’s only ten years older than Ron,” scoffed Ginny. “He’s only been married a year.”  
  
“Well it was the best plan I could come up with on the spot!” Hermione exclaimed. “And anyway, Ron told them he was 17.” They all laughed. Of the group he was by far the least likely to pass as a teenager.  
  
“I’m so mad at the fucking double standard,” she ranted as they continued walking back to Grimmauld Place. “They just let him go. I mean I’m glad, don’t get me wrong, but fuck! He punched a police officer and he’s getting out without so much as a guardian to pick him up.”  
  
“He punched a cop?” Neville asked, impressed.  
  
“Yeah, he did.” Hermione grinned.   
  
Their phones all buzzed at once. 

> the_terrier: that’s how u kick ass terrier-style  
>  the_terrier: or should i say...  
>  otter: don’t say it @the_terrier  
>  panda: ?  
> 

“Wait, what’s he going to say?” Luna asked.

> the_terrier: doggy style

“Gross!” Ginny shouted.

> stagboy: blocked,,,  
>  otter: blocked.  
>  panda: blocked  
>  horsegirl: bLOCKEDT  
>  the_terrier: damn 

“Gross?” Harry asked Ginny.   
  
“He’s my brother, I don’t want to know that he knows sex things,” she replied.  
  
“I was gonna say...” he winked.   
  
“Blocked, both of you,” said Luna to the couple. Hermione snorted and shot Luna an appreciative glance.   


* * *

 

Once Ron arrived, the sun was rising and Harry was the only person still awake. Neville was passed out on the couch, Ginny had gone up to Harry’s room, and Hermione and Luna were in the guest room.   
  
“I’d let you stay in my room but Ginny’s already there,” Harry apologized.   
  
“Ugh, don’t tell me that!”  
  
“Sorry. Anyway, Neville’s in the living room but there’s another couch in Remus’ office if you want to sleep there? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” Ron accepted the offer, and Harry bade him good night.   
  
Back in his room, Harry texted Sirius and Remus.

> 🅱️anter 🅱️oys family group chat  
>  the son: heads up my friends r scattered all over the house  
>  the son: sorry didn’t let u know they’d b sleeping over   
>  the holy spirit: No worries, Harry. Thanks for the update.   
>  the son: thanks moony. sorry again  
>  the holy spirit: You don’t need to apologize all the time. 😊   
>  the (god) father: this is your home too glad you feel comfortable inviting your friends over   
>  the son: thanks padfoot  
>  the (god) father: goodnight prongslet now go the fuck to sleep 
> 
> \---
> 
> 2nd favorite weasel: harryyy   
>  2nd favorite weasel: get off ur phone & come 2 bed ;))))  
>  2nd rate soccer player: make me ;)))))  
> 
> 
> \---
> 
> 2nd rate soccer player: where r u?? i woke up all alone and u KNOW i have ABANDONMENT ISSUES and PAST TRAUMA  
>  2nd favorite weasel: ???   
>  2nd rate soccer player: don’t u remember that article skeeter wrote abt me? the “interview” where she said i had abandonment issues lol  
>  2nd favorite weasel: she’s written so much shit i tend to forget specifics sorry  
>  2nd rate soccer player: sorry lol it was a joke anyway  
>  2nd rate soccer player: fr tho where did u go  
>  2nd favorite weasel: downstairs, we’re all waiting for u 2 wake up
> 
> \---
> 
> roonil wazlib: u up???? ;)  
>  harpel porrib: u know it bb ;)  
>  roonil wazlib: then come downstairs! neville and luna both had to go (they said theyd meet up tmrw tho) and mione is threatening 2 go 2 the library soon  
>  harpel porrib: give me a min to wake upp
> 
> \---
> 
> woke queen: Harry! wake up! i’m making coffee  
>  woke queen: also i hate this nickname  
>  the only valid man: i hate my nickname 2  
>  woke queen: well u’re the one who added nicknames, idk how to do it  
>  woke queen: so that’s on u  
>  the only valid man changed woke queen’s nickname to future president  
>  future president: this is even worse  
>  the only valid man changed the only valid man’s nickname to we stan a woke president  
>  we stan a woke president: wait this seems like i’m talking abt trump  
>  we stan a woke president changed we stan a woke president’s nickname to bad at nicknames  
>  future president changed bad at nicknames’s nickname to donald trump’s biggest fan  
>  future president: Ron just showed me how to change nicknames  
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: shit ur officially the most powerful squad member  
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: ur like shaggy, ur operating at 100% capacity rn  
>  future president: is this a new meme?  
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: it’s like a month old hermione keep up
> 
> \---
> 
> roonil wazlib: weeeee misssssssss uuuuuu  
>  harpel poorib: sorry jesus ill b right there  
>  harpel poorib: also why would u show Hermione how 2 change nicknames she’s so powerful now  
>  roonil wazlib: lol shes using 100% of her powers  
>  roonil wazlib: like shaggy  
>  harpel poorib: exactly! u get it

Once downstairs, the group drank their coffee in pleasant silence. Sirius came in with a plate of toast, which they all devoured gratefully. Sirius’ phone buzzed at the same time as Harry’s did.

>   
>  🅱️anter 🅱️oys family group chat   
>  the holy spirit: Making breakfast for the kids? Getting domestic on me are you?    
>  the holy spirit: Want me to get you a sexy little maid’s apron?    
>  the son: hey remus this is the group chat just fyi   
>  the holy spirit: Shit! Harry, I’m so sorry!   
>  the (god) father: ahahahaha moony you fool   
>  the (god) father: you’re such an old man, can’t figure out technology    
>  the (god) father: prongslet how do you change nicknames i want Remus to be called old man    
>  the holy spirit: pot kettle black   
>  the (god) father: it’s sirius black actually    
>  the son changed the holy spirit’s nickname to old man   
>  the son changed the (god) father’s nickname to pot kettle   
>  the son changed the son’s nickname to forever scarred   
>  forever scarred: oh wait haha i actually am forever scarred 

Harry avoided looking at Sirius for the rest of breakfast.

> padfoot: i’m not opposed to the apron idea  
>  moony: Good, because I already added it to the Amazon cart.  
>  padfoot: i’m so in love with you  
>  padfoot: but also don’t let hermione hear you talking about amazon, she’s talking about how much she hates capitalism as we speak  
>  moony: Oh, damn. I was just about to announce to the whole house that I’m buying sex things, I’ll be sure not to reveal where from.  
>  padfoot: ha ha moony you’re so funny

Once the toast was gone and Ron had licked up all the crumbs, he got a text from his Dad asking him or Ginny to bring back the car. Hermione decided to go to the library to start studying for finals (“they’re only two months away, Harry, you really should come with me”). Harry texted Neville and Luna, making plans to meet back up tomorrow to discuss next steps, this time at Ron’s and Ginny’s so they wouldn’t inconvenience their Dad.  Ginny decided to stay at Grimmauld for the day and just go back to the Burrow with Harry that night. Ron mimed vomiting when she told him. 


	2. A romantic interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bald potter: someone’s in loooooove   
> short top: i’m literally not   
> short top: but also have u ever noticed how her laugh sounds like music???   
> bald potter: ew that’s so straight   
> short top: lol yeah i guess

> short top: hey harry do u know if Luna’s single   
>  bald potter: !!!!   
>  bald potter: u like her?    
>  short top: maybe......   
>  short top: also, “like” lmao    
>  bald potter: hang on i’ll ask gin   
>  bald potter: she says yeah   
>  short top: do u know if she’s into guys? or just the lady from svu haha   
>  bald potter: gin says she tends to prefer girls but she has dated guys in the past & isn’t opposed to the idea of dating guys in the future    
>  short top: ok   
>  short top: would it b weird if i asked her out?   
>  bald potter: why would that b weird   
>  bald potter: i guess it might make Ron and hermione uncomfortable? as they would b the only ones not dating in the group? but i don’t think they’d b weird abt it   
>  short top: lol yeah    
>  short top: i mean it might trigger them actually talking abt their feelings   
>  short top: which would b good   
>  short top: the tension is unbearable    
>  bald potter: what do u mean lol   
>  short top: Harry i know ur clueless but dont tell me u haven’t noticed    
>  bald potter: wait what    
>  short top: lmao   
>  bald potter: r u saying RON and HERMIONE r into each other? they’re always bickering!    
>  short top: yeah thats exactly what i’m saying    
>  bald potter: nah dude ur imagining it    
>  bald potter: WAIT WHAT   
>  bald potter: GIN AGREES W U   
>  bald potter: THEYRE LIKE MY BROTHER AND SISTER    
>  bald potter: THATS LIKE   
>  bald potter: INCEST   
>  short top: that’s prob how Ron feels w u and Ginny lol   
>  bald potter: omg gross Ginny’s not like my sister she’s Ron’s sister   
>  short top: and u just said Ron’s like ur brother...........   
>  bald potter: wild u right    
>  bald potter: nvr thought of it like that    
>  bald potter: gross    
>  bald potter: this is bad to think abt. Back 2 u my dude   
>  short top: no not back to me!! Just wanted to ask if she’s single, don’t need 2 talk abt her......   
>  short top: or her hair or her eyes or her smile......   
>  bald potter: someone’s in loooooove    
>  short top: i’m literally not    
>  short top: but also have u ever noticed how her laugh sounds like music???    
>  bald potter: ew that’s so straight    
>  short top: lol yeah i guess 
> 
> \---
> 
> 2nd rate soccer player: is it gross if i say i miss u already  
> 2nd favorite weasel: im literally on the toilet, ill b back in 2 min  
> 2nd favorite weasel: but i love u 2
> 
> \---
> 
> loony: Ginny my friend, I have a Queery  
> firebreather: yeet wassup  
> loony: You know Neville?   
> firebreather: uh yeah haha  
> firebreather: WAIT  
> firebreather: u like him?????   
> loony: I didn’t say that!   
> loony: I just think he has a gentle Spirit and i would like to spend time getting to know him.   
> loony: Also I am physically attracted to him and would not be opposed to Making Love with/to him   
> firebreather: loons it’s 2019, we don’t “make love” we just eat ass  
> loony: Analingus, when performed properly, feels a lot like Love.   
> firebreather: LUNA LOVEGOOD UR AN ICON  
> firebreather changed loony’s name to eatgood  
> eatgood: Is he available?   
> eatgood: Neville, I mean  
> firebreather: yeah he’s single   
> eatgood: Based on his Fashion sense I assume he’s Straight?  
> firebreather: lmaoooo yeah  
> firebreather: nev asked harry if ur single too! Harry told me not to tell u this BUT bros b4 hoes am I right?   
> eatgood: Ooh Lovely
> 
> \---
> 
> Luna Lovegood: hello new friend!   
> Neville Longbottom: hey luna! what’s up?  
> Luna Lovegood: I don’t want to be too forward but I was wondering if you’d like to get Coffee sometime? It can be as Friends or a date, whatever you like! If not that’s totally fine and I won’t be offended or make things Weird next time we see each other :)   
> Neville Longbottom: i’d like that!   
> Neville Longbottom: as a date i mean! 
> 
> \---
> 
> short top: did u say smth to Luna???  
> bald potter: no?  
> bald potter: ah shit it was prob ginny  
> bald potter: she’s terrible at secrets  
> bald potter: sorry  
> bald potter: are things ok?  
> short top: yeah things are great! she asked me out!   
> bald potter: !!!!!! 
> 
> \---
> 
>   
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: wait so u and Ron???   
>  future president: excuse me    
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: sitting in a tree????   
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: k   
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: i   
>  future president: as future president i sentence you to execution  
> donald trump’s biggest fan: s  
> donald trump’s biggest fan: s  
> donald trump’s biggest fan: i  
> donald trump’s biggest fan: n  
> donald trump’s biggest fan: g   
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: ok im done    
>  donald trump’s biggest fan: but srsly?    
>  future president: yeah ok fine i kinda like him but shut up about it
> 
>  
> 
> donald trump’s biggest fan: shit Hermione r u mad? I’m sorry
> 
> \---
> 
> 2nd rate soccer player: ok i made hermione mad i think   
> 2nd rate soccer player: which is Valid  
> 2nd rate soccer player: but i gotta show u this meme i made   
> 
> 
> 2nd favorite weasel: LMAOOOOO   
> 2nd favorite weasel:  but dont call ron cute
> 
> \---
> 
> krum fangirl: hey Ron are u free?    
>  teaspoon: yeah   
>  krum fangirl: can I call u?   
>  teaspoon is calling krum fangirl

Hermione took a deep breath before picking up. Her ears felt warm and she knew she’d lose her nerve if she didn’t ask right away. 

“Hey, Ron. I was wondering, um, if you’d like to get dinner sometime? Or something?”  
  
“You know me, Hermione! I’m always down for food.”  
  
“Uh, yeah. I meant, like, getting dinner, though.”  
  
“Yeah, eating dinner.”  
  
“No, like. Never mind.”  
  
“Do you want to text Harry and ask if he’s free or should I?”  
  
“Never mind, Ron.”  
  
“Oh! You mean like a date?”  
  
“Yeah, I meant as a date. But it’s fine, never mind, please forget I said anything.”  
  
“You asked me out! You really asked me out! Hermione Granger asked me, Ronald Weasley, on a date!”  
  
“Shut the fuck up, Ron, I’m sorry, ok?”  
  
“Hermione Granger! Asked me!–“  
  
Hermione hung up without saying goodbye. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and tears welled in her eyes. 

> teaspoon: i think the line went dead? but anyway ill pick u up at 7?   
> krum fangirl: are u seriously making fun of me right now   
> teaspoon: no?? is 7 ok? we can do another day if ur busy today  
> krum fangirl: I’m highkey confused but yeah see u then i guess
> 
> \---
> 
> future president: no I’m not mad sorry I had to pee   
> donald trump’s biggest fan: u don’t bring ur phone 2 the bathroom?  
> future president: ew no there are so many germs in there   
> donald trump’s biggest fan: haha wild    
> 
> 
> \---
> 
> roonil wazlib: HARRY  
> roonil wazlib: H  
> roonil wazlib: A  
> harpel porrib: yeah what sorry  
> roonil wazlib: u will never guess what just happened  
> harpel porrib: ?  
> roonil wazlib: hermione  
> harpel porrib: she doesnt bring her phone to the bathroom i know. weird right?  
> roonil wazlib: what  
> roonil wazlib: lmao  
> roonil wazlib: no she asked me to get dinner w her!  
> harpel porrib: oh nice! i think im free tonight??  
> roonil wazlib: no like as a date! ! a date, harry ! a date,,,,,,, with,, hermione! !  
> harpel porrib: oh shit!!! oh shit!!!!! shit !!!!!!! my BOY!!!!!!!! my MAN!!!!!!!!! nice!  
> harpel porrib changed roonil wazlib’s name to future flotus  
> future flotus: dude chill. i like her a lot but thats super extra  
> harpel porrib: sorry lol  
> harpel porrib: im just PUMPED as FUCK my BEST FRIENDS r IN LOVE  
> harpel porrib: I LOVE LOVE  
> future flotus: jesus christ  
> future flotus: also i wouldnt b first lady?? whats the man equivalent  
> harpel porrib: its still flotus. first LAD of the united states of america  
> future flotus changed future flotus’s nickname to lad  
> lad: in case mione sees it  
> lad: dont want her 2 think im the one talking abt marriage  
> lad: thats all u my dude  
> harpel porrib: fair enuf  
> harpel porrib: tell me how it goes  
> harpel porrib: !!!!!!!


End file.
